My Walk Of Faith
I have little use for the past and rarely think about it, however, I would briefly state, that I am an “Alcoholic” and how I became a member.
Growing up as a child I’ve seen a lot of violence, and put myself in situations that made me a victim. The thought of my old behavior was I had to move away from it and step forward, and not backslide into my old patterns.
It was such a burden for me to wake up and not know what happen the night before, and that this would be my last day here on earth. The silence of the nights the weeping and frustration from within self. The distance of everyone around me, feeling so alienated, the fear of rejection, living in isolation, feeling so emotional deep inside.
And so the thought of such meaningless purpose that it created in me a deep loathing of the world. The most loathsome thing of all, however, was my own existence. “I said to self” what was the point in continuing to live with this burden of misery? Why carry on with continuous struggle!
“I cannot live with myself any longer.” This was the thought that kept repeating itself in my mind. I lived in a state of mind that I have been overtaken of the evil snares of Satan. Through my distortion and living an unhealthy lifestyle, it feels as if I am talking about some past lifetime or someone else’s life.
I didn’t know where I was headed, but I saw a light at the end of this long dark tunnel of my life. I started to walk towards it, and away from the only life I had known. Away from destructive away from hopelessness, depression and fatility.
A spiritual awakening dawned upon me, I could still function in the physical world, although I realized that nothing I ever did could possibly add anything to what I have already experienced, and before I knew it, I had an external identity again.
I am at peace when I cherish the gifts of the present moment. And gratitude for the moment enhances the value of what is to come next. When I take my focus of the present, longing only for another time, or place, or experience , I’ll reap the rewards that offer on to me. “Is by living in the moment”
This very instant is all I have, however, I tend to make plans for the future, I romanticize in the memories of the past, , realisticly, all I have to deal with, and to act upon, is the moment at hand.
As confused, and worried I felt , that I will not find any solution to better myself. All that I’ve been through it is only a learning phase, and I continue to say “NO” to myself on a daily basis, ant that “I can do this.” For I am not alone anymore. “I gradually see a clear insight, that I do belong, and that I am someone that is very important.”
Fabian Tom, Burns Lake.